Waking up,

I feel so dirty right now. I've been cleaning the house in preparation for Hekate's deipnon.

Kitchen totally scrubbed. Floors cleaned and then washed with rue, basil and rosemary. Fumigated. Now I need to bake the saffron honey cake and work on a few other things. But before that, I need to clip some hyssop and then bathe. This particular spread for Her is a little bit more elaborate than usual. That's because I've been a horrible shit for the past two months and I know that I owe it. I suppose I ought to explain that, at a later date.

On the Noumenia, I make a dedication. After a long bit of thought I am fully embracing my path as a witch. As fucking silly as it sounds, I've been fighting like an indecisive child about it. I haven't parted with what I once was, and now I will be. I'll finally be stepping into this with some confidence. It's about damn time too, because I've been stalling for about two years, yes, two years.

You see, there have been attempts on my part to ignore this path. To make a long story short, that was what I was doing for the past two months. I thought to myself, "I'll just be a lay-pagan. Take the easy road." Why? Because this shit is hard fucking work and I have a tendency to be lazy. I realized though, I would go on to live the most unfulfilled life and I saw myself on my deathbed writhing in the regret of taking that easy road. I cant.

I woke up (figuratively and literally) one morning like I had been giving a shot of adrenalin, a few days before the equinox. The rite immediately unfolded in my head and then I set to work. I haven't stopped since, and this time, I don't plan to.

"You have taken your first step into a larger world." - Obi-Wan Kenobi

Dream follow up,

I was rereading my dream just yesterday and it hit me like a brick.

My parents (and bothers and sisters) are moving soon. They've been on a massive house hunt, and I've had my mother calling me frequently to talk about house this and house that. How my father wants something out of their price range, or they want this one house with 18 acres and they want the husband and I to move out there with them (gah!). The house they had been looking at and wanting had water problems and way too much land for them to manage AND was also out of their price range.

The house they were in, in the dream; was empty, like it was for sale. If they take what they can't afford (that's so very obvious) or can't maintain, they will drown under the weight of what they can't manage. It could possibly destroy them.


I gave my mom a call today and she was driving back home to the midwest from Kentucky (where they're house hunting). She's talking like a billion miles a minute and it's so hard to get off the phone with her, she was driving - I felt really uncomfortable with her being on the phone. Anyway, she said that they found a house and she was practically singing about it. On a hill, enough acreage for them to have fun with (7), established nut and fruit trees, three separate gardening areas and enough room for all the kids (I've got a large family). On top of that, two lovely little bee hives. It's affordable too. I told my mom about the dream and we both agreed that this house must be the right decision. I'm really happy for them. I told her I had best be gettin' some free honey! Ohh, and propolis!

Tasted flesh,

When I have dreams that frighten me, I don't normally consider them nightmares. Why? Because most of the time, I know I'm dreaming. Like the time I encountered the Black Man, or had my legs chopped off by the rudder of a great ship... I was fearful, but not so scared out of my wits that I didn't know how to respond to the situation.

I had a nightmare last night though.

I succumbed to cannibalism. It wasn't due to a dire situation, it was a choice. I had murdered a small child, processed its body and ate it. I don't remember the act of murder. I do remember processing the body, and I remember the taste of the flesh, the texture in my mouth the thought running through my head, that I didn't want this. It fucking freaked me out to taste flesh, I haven't eaten meat in over two years! I wretched in my dream. I wasn't doing this voluntarily, but I was still putting the fork to my mouth, opening, chewing, swallowing. I was disgusted with myself. Wondering how I was going to hide murder, that I would forever live in regret, in absolute horror of what I had done. Regret that I had made the wrong choice.

What does it represent?

I think it's a warning of destruction of a part of myself.

I am admittedly resisting what I think is my calling. The funny fucking thing is, I don't know exactly what my calling is. I have ideas, but I fearfully turn my eye from them. I tell myself I've made it up, it isn't real - or I'm just going fucking crazy.

I know better than this!

I recently went to a discussion group hosted and lead by a famous shamaness and the topic was turning your fears into an ally. It came in such a timely manner, there were things I really needed to hear. How can I fear what I've wanted? I'm afraid of what it could bring, if I faced it and accepted it. I would be afraid of failure.

Resistance is futile, and in the long run, as my dream told me, would be a very bad, bad decision.

Chewing the cud,

And what am I chewing on?

Hellenic polytheism. To put it simply, it speaks to my heart. This is something I've just fully realized the past few weeks or so.

I find the gods everywhere I look and everywhere I turn.

I don't think I can avoid this/them, or just shrug it off. I feel like it's something I've been looking for, for sometime.

And what do I plan to do about it?

Make some serious additions to my personal practice and rework my calendar... for starters.

I don't really have any sort of lengthy explanation of how I came to this decision, I don't even think it was my decision to begin with! Hekate very neatly placed this in front of me. I asked for direction and the torchlight illuminates. I feel oddly awkward talking about this, it's such a personal revelation.

I heard this song at such an appropriate moment last night:

Don't try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin',
you've got to Open your heart to me, baby
I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin'
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Open your heart with the key
One is such a lonely number