On the cusp on night,

Twilight clouds speak to me.

Window security.

PDX Pagan Pride and thoughts on disconnect.

A few days ago I briefly attended the Pagan Pride festival down by the river. I had planned on getting in on the workshop that Lupa from Therioshamanism was doing, on Bioregional Totemism, but I arrived a bit too late due to a bus kerfuffle. So, I ended up walking around the vendors a bit. It was neat to see Acorn Guild Press there!

I stumbled upon some nice evil eye beads. I only had three bucks on me, so that's what I ended up spending it on. I hope to put them to good use soon. I've had a couple of projects stewing in my brain.

I was alone and didn't know a soul there, so, I made my way back down by the river. It seemed better than crowds of people. I had no idea there was a beach area on the Willamette in that part of Portland. I sat for a bit in the sun, it was somewhat relaxing, there were quite a few people about and a particularly rowdy bunch of teens. It was nice to check out, but I ended up leaving sooner than I thought I would.

But, to get to this disconnect...

I was riding the train before I hopped the bus to the Fest gathering, thing. And, a honeybee managed to find its way into the area I was sitting, which was filled with about 20 other people. Everyone literally freaked the fuck out. They kept swatting as she flew around confused and they moved, like a scared herd of bovines. I told them it was a honeybee, and if left alone and not swatted at, she would remain quite docile (to which a few people shot me 'WTF is wrong with you' looks). She finally calmed down and settled on the window pane of the train. Before I could even open my mouth a man ripped his hat off and beat her off the window. She fell on the ground and he threw in a few more swats just to make sure she was good and dead. Fellow passengers thanked him for the removal of this supposed horrid pest. I shot daggers into his back. He spent the remainder of the ride, boasting... boasting that he killed a bee. How small does your dick have to be dude? A bee.

I sat quietly, a little heart broken and unable to comprehend his actions. Bees are quite sacred to me. They frequent my home, and they always strike such wonder in my heart when I see them. Little pollinators, providing us with fruits and vegetables, nuts and their own golden honey, fragrant wax, pollen, propolis... Sacred, magic things, in my eyes. How could you not have the utmost respect for these little creatures? If you eat any amount of fruit, vegetable, nut, seed, you have them to thank. Did any of these people on the train with me, think about it like that? I don't think so. The ferocity with which that man killed that bee was shocking to me. She was harmless. Nature is a pest to them, invasive. This crawling, buzzing thing that invades their precious little plastic bubbles. It makes them uncomfortable. A life I cannot imagine.

When you feel,

Fear creeping up your spine and tingling. And you want nothing more than to take flight from the looming presence you feel pressing in from behind you, but you wait it out... you feel it out.

You must be doing something right.

Dusting,

I've been living.

It's been what... Almost a year? Almost.

Let's see, what happened in that time. I'll try my best here, to sum it up.

December-January, saw me get fat. Well, not horribly fat, but chubby enough I was disgusted with myself. It was a winter of pies and whatever the hell else I wanted to jam into my face. I think I may have been depressed. I invested in a light box. The SADs take a beating to me. It creates this black hole vacuum in me... and I cannot escape its pull. I wanted nothing more than carbohydrates and sleep. Practice and spiritually speaking, I was doing my monthly duties, then. It wasn't particularly loud for me then. But with this blog, I don't know... I began to feel, like I was trying to validate my spiritual existence with writing here. I began to compare myself to others (ie. other pagan bloggers and witches), and I began to wonder why I wasn't at the same places others were at. I began to beat myself up mentally for not being like them. Not feeling worthy. Wondering if I did it all for selfish reasons. So, I walked away from the blogging. I really had to take a step back and away from the overload of information and others experiences and focus on my own.

February-March, saw shit turn upsidefuckingdown. My relationship with my partner, opened up. More like, I discovered and came out to him that I was polyamorous. But, you know, this isn't the place to explain all of that, nor do I feel the need to explain the intricacies of my relationship dynamics. But I fell in love with another man, while remaining and being in a committed long term relationship with another. I currently hold that in balance. Somehow, I don't fucking know, I was blessed with the ability to manage it all with grace. Every day is a testament to how very thankful I am, that all of it worked out so beautifully. To say the least, some very serious growing up happened in a very short period of time. My practice took a back burner while I handled the massive changes that were taking place. My lard ass also started exercising. I made a serious commitment to becoming strong again, healthier.

April-May, I don't really remember what the fuck was going on. I was exercising hard. Tending to my human relationships, which, were a bit tender and sensitive at the time. They required a lot of work. A lot. Between that, physically exhausting myself on a daily basis and running a business, there was little left in my brain at the end of the day.

June-July-August, I was sun starved. This was the summer, the first summer that I realized how much passion and adoration I had for the sun. For so many years I protected myself from him. I never let him touch me, I recoiled from his rays for fear of loosing my lovely pallor. I spent every fucking second I could spare to stand under him and absorb that radiant heat. To see the yellow orange of my blood behind my eyelids as I tilt my head in his direction, to feel the burn on my skin, the flush in my cheek and the prickle of sweat beading on my lower back. His vitality pulsing and pushing through every bit of me. I felt like an alien so much of the time, when I was often awestruck, basking in the perfect heat of an object 149.6 million kilometers away from our Earth. I love him. Although, given my Ariesness, this should be no surprise. I lost weight, my limbs tightened and I became golden bronzed from riding miles and miles on my bike out into the hills. My hair turned into lavender and I scented myself with summer: Orange blossom, sandalwood, bourbon vanilla, jasmine sambac and orris. I still have it, bottled, liquid sun. I harnessed a new confidence. Somehow, all that self-consciousness and social anxiety melted away. This summer left me different.

Now, wildfire and dry trees rattling for rain. On my bike rides, you can see the accumulation of a month or two of no rain: A dusty rose haze hovers over the horizon and the sky takes on a barely there blue. And if you work up a sweat, while moving at grueling 14 mph along country roads, you come home all crusted in grit, dust and salt and your eyes sting something fierce. But, you can feel death creeping in through the open bedroom window at about 4am, when the temperature drops drastically. Fall is come, you can smell her, hear her even, in the trees. The shadows are just cool enough that I seek the embrace of the sun, I'm soaking up all that I can now, before I make the descent.

I am not being called back per se, because I never left. I just know, it's time to get back to serious work, again,

Of synchronicity and... saints?

I had a real OMFG moment this morning when I was having a, what my partner and I like to call business meeting. We usually go over things we need to take care of business wise and touch on any projects, look over each others calendar of events to be sure we've got our ducks in a row.

Christmas is a huge deal for him and he has been wanting to work in his heritage into December celebrations (he is agnostic) create new traditions, etc. (we did this without knowing of Graveyard Dirts wonderfully similar campaign! Check it). He mostly identifies as Swedish, so he was going over some important dates of celebrations he wanted to include. What was on the 13th? Santa Lucia Day.
Now, take a wild guess at what my orris roots name is, mind you, the name she gave me. She told me her name about a month before I asked which day she'd like to be consecrated to pendulum work. Now, I wasn't raised Catholic. I was raised non-denominational Christian, and I have no beefs with my Christian past, I think it is definitely something you have to be open to when practicing/studying hoodoo. I've never given working with Saints a second thought, just because it doesn't really flow with my normal way of, doing things.

So when I saw that her consecration day was SAINT LUCY'S DAY my jaw fucking dropped. I understand that she is honored as a light-bringer (which makes me think of my light-bringer, Hekate) and patron of the blind. I'm still trying to work out what this means exactly. Perhaps my soon to be root pendulum will allow me to see things that I am normally blind to? I don't know, I'll have to give it some deeper thought. But I do know, that I will be giving a nod to Saint Lucy on the 13th and both she and my little root, who is resting sweetly in her box, will be getting (veganized) lussekatter and lots of candles.

Talking with roots,

Having buttered up an orris root I've been working with (she has her own wooden box, sleeps under my pillow, regular sprinklings with homemade Florida water, etc.), I asked her when she'd like to be consecrated to pendulum work... I wait for an answer.

A chipper, "Tuesday the 13th!"

I'm thinking, oh gods, it could be AGES before I find a Tuesday that lands on the 13th *pulls up December calendar*

HAH!

Jelly,

I bought a shit ton of pomegranates a while ago ($10 for a big flat of them!). I ate about half of them raw and the rest were sitting the fruit bowl on the verge of turning bad. Last night I cracked each of them open, extracted the juice by hand using a cheese cloth and added some pectin, a whole vanilla bean, a bit of lemon juice and a gods awful amount of sugar. Had my jars all boiled up and made my very first batch of jelly!

Turned out fabulous. I was so scared I wouldn't get the seal on the jars, but after pulling them out of their boiling bath the lids began to snap and seal up!

Now I'm day dreaming about all the canning I'll be doing over the summer and during harvest. There will be so many blackberries, I'll probably get sick of them. I did find a very nice recipe at the library for a pumpkin jam, with vanilla, honey and rum! How good does that sound?

I think I'll be doing Imbolc in the backyard, what better place to encourage/celebrate the stirring of spring? I also need to begin preparing the raised beds! I got my ship notification for the grow lights, finally. Goodness, I cant wait for green things!

Trance-Portation,

So, I've been working my way through Trance-portation, by Diana L. Paxson (found via Sarah). I am just now tapping into chapter three, and I can say, it's pretty freakin' awesome. It has laid out, for me and what I feel, is a great foundation for trancework and possibly crossing into the otherworld - something I've never done before. I don't think I can count dreamwalking as it isn't something I do at will, it just happens.

So far, I've established a routine I feel very good about. I've added and subtracted a few things. For example, I don't really feel that I need to center myself. I don't know, I know where I'm at and where my body is at, I know which direction I'm facing (usually west). Warding is done with burnt herbs and a charm. I settle down and stretch my hips and legs out so that they're relaxed. I really like the way she explains grounding, it just makes so much fucking sense. I drop, what I guess I could describe as an anchor into the ground. I watch it move through the concrete foundation of my house and into the muddy and probably water logged earth beneath it. I know that this will sound very cheesy, but bear with me: its like plugging yourself in. I feel plugged in. I can sense the roots of the Alder tree in my backyard, the Douglas fir in the front and the sneaking suspicion I'm being watched by that unknown spirit that lurks in my neighborhood.

Haha, writing this out and reading it myself, it all sounds ridiculous. It's a reality check and that is why I blog about it, anyway...

I try to chill my overactive mind out, and I breathe, very slowly, pausing at each inhale and each exhale. Once I feel ready to move on, I begin breathing rhythmically at a much faster but controlled pace. Back when I was going to yoga classes (I loathed the crowd, but I loved the workout) they taught us the ocean breath, where you constrict the back of your throat to create a, well, oceany sound. This gives me something to focus on. I don't know how long it takes me, but eventually I slip into what I think, is the tip of trance.

Everything is fuzzed, my body, my face and something inside of me quivers. It depends on how I'm feeling each night I do it, but tonight felt powerful. My mouth began to water, which for me is a sign that I might vomit, and then there it comes ... nausea. I get scared, which I guess is a good sign! I sit in that feeling for a little while, still breathing. Opening my eyes takes effort and when I do, I feel kind of drunk. For some reason, I held my breath, for a long time - long enough that I told myself I need oxygen to live. Vision blurs, I don't feel like breathing, but the fear grips me and I sip in air little by little. At that point I felt ready to return and almost forgot to reverse my whole procedure. Lifting the anchor, thanking the one I asked for protection, blow out the candles and done.

There is an edge I am beginning to feel to this, it's a bit scary.

I'm off to dreamland.

Bee friend,

As I shut the window to the kitchen this afternoon a bee, buzzed up drunkenly and bumped into the window a few times. I always stop and watch bees, and tell them how cute they are, or ask them what they're up to, even though I've never had one speak back to me. I had to ask this bee, what the hell it was doing outside my kitchen window, in the middle of winter. It was a mild day today, but still, unseasonably weird. He buzzed off up and over the house and I thought little of it.

Now, at about 10pm I decided to march up stairs and brew myself some night time tea... and I nearly stepped on him. There, in my carpeted stairs was a bee. On the edge of death, I think I saw his little antennae twitch. His body wasn't yet crisp but it was still flexible.

I gently picked him up, placed him on a leaf shaped plate. I offered him my favorite and best honey (local peppermint, nearing the very last sweet dregs of my jar) and a burnt offering of bee oracle incense. I said a few words and wished him well as he went off.

I don't dream about bees too often. I'm trying to listen, but I don't know if I'm able to hear. I wonder what they want? This is the second bee body I've found in strange circumstances. If not a messenger, a familiar?

On expectations, being honest with myself and the New Year

I never intended to update this blog on a regular basis, or have any sort of routine with it. Its something I'm feeling out over time. Something I'm trying to get comfortable with - moreover something I want to be comfortable with.

There, I said it. (That was a note to myself, not to those who may be reading this!)

I really kinda effed my end of the year observances. I didn't do anything during the month of December (except for Christmas, which is a very serious holiday for my husband - the holiday that he connects with his recently passed grandparents in the biggest of ways.) I will however be doing Hogmanay, preparations have already begun.

I'm still a baby at this, ya know? Its only been two and a half years since I watched that documentary on witchcraft, had flash backs of my attempt at tree worship when I was 16 - discovered by my extremely Christian parents - firmly scolded. Flashback over and realizing, "fuck, I'm 22 now! I live 2000+ miles away from them! I can be what I want!"

I do wish I had been a bit more dedicated during this past year, but I'm not going to waste my time with lamenting what I didn't do. Instead, with this strange vigor I picked up right after Christmas I will be gearing myself up for the New Year and setting goals for things I want to accomplish (Thank you Sarah for inspiration!)

Pertaining to all aspects of my life and in no particular order:

• Sew clothing for myself
• Get my very serious garden plans off the ground or rather, in the ground, heh. (weather permitting)
• Learn to make homemade tempeh and tofu
• Actually DO daily devotionals
• Observe all personal High Days (aka: don't be a lazy bastard)
• Make progress with trance work
• Join local Mycological Society
• Enroll in community college for a few classes to get feet wet to explore the possibility of majoring in history
• Provided garden goes well, raw food diet for 2 months during summer (or as long as I can stand it, heh)
• Talk to my grandmothers more often, write to them
• Work more beneficial magic for my family
• Comfortably and casually wear bold rusty-red lipstick
• Make mead!
• Obtain a divers license (tricky one, being I don't own a car)
• Hike regularly in the deep forests east of me
• Learn how to prioritize and manage my time better

That should do it. I may add or subtract from that list. I may have already mastered the wearing of bold lipstick causally.

Gotta fetch whiskey and start the non-existent menu for Hogmanay tomorrow! And, there is the cleaning. Greatly looking forward to making a huge racket when the clock strikes 12.

Frost Moon,

The night of the last full moon had completely clear skies. Living in the Pacific Northwest, this is a very lucky thing indeed. Naturally I set a few items out on the deck to bask in the rare late fall moon light.

And I woke up to frost! Everywhere.

A day later we had snow, which is very odd for this time of year. The sun came out and brightened everything up with a mild glacial blue tone, which was wonderful because sometimes the dense dreariness out here really gets to me. I actually didn't really believe in seasonal affective disorder, until I moved here. Its not like, bad depression or anything, but a type of lethargy I cannot kick. All I wanna do is sleep, eat sweets, take hot baths and sit on my plump ass (<-- winter fat!). I do get a bit of storm cloud over my head too. Like, a feeling of impending doom, its something that really frustrates me because currently I have nothing that should be making me feel doomish! Life is pretty good right now and I know I don't really have anything to feel down about. So, I had the house all to myself a few days ago. I had a two week old headache, I found myself HIGHLY distracted from work, chills, the creeping doom ... the desire to sleep 14 hours a day, stagnation it was building to a bursting point and I was almost manic.

And then it hit me: Blue candle. Road opener. Clearing. Offering of that perfect mini banana bread loaf I had sitting on the counter. Do it. Now.

After I had finished, I cleaned up my business, straightened up the kitchen and minor bits of house work. The husband came home and I settled down for a nap. When I woke up - all of it was gone. The stagnation, the two week old headache, the doom, gone!

I still get all, "holy fucking shit!" over work like that. Simple, fast and highly effective.

Aries Horoscope - Nov. 25th

Should you rely on hard facts or soft feelings? Would it be advisable to trust your tried-and-true medicine or else a potion brewed from the tongue of a snake, the feather of a crow, and a mandrake root? Can you get better results by mingling with staunch allies or with rebel upstarts who have a knack for shaking things up? Only you can decide on these matters, Aries. My opinion? You’ll probably generate more interesting developments by going with the feelings, the mandrake root, and the upstarts

- Free Will Astrology

One of those, omfg moments.

Recently,

I haven't been updating because I've entered a bit of a nether-void. Emotionally, I've been on edge, stressed, negative and just plain bitchy. I've been doing my best to pinpoint where this is coming from, what I am doing wrong or if something is doing this to me. As much as anyone would like to blame their problems on something else, I cant do that right now. Its me. Getting to the root of things.

I'm still mulling over the tarot spread I did on the dark moon, I did it during communion with Hekate. It was harsh. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Her right now. Cant expect fucking sunshine and teacakes 24/7 can we? I have a lot of work ahead of me, spiritually. I mean, when don't we! But its the tough stuff, that is tough, but so worth it - I know. Feeling a lot of self-doubt right now. Feeling a lot of, "I wanna do everything now!" and total lack of patience.

On a less crybaby note,

I've taken a sudden dive into working hoodoo into my practice. I wasn't quite comfortable with it at first, but, I seem to keep going back to it for spells and workings. It isn't much of a surprise really. I may be a transplant, but me, my family and heritage is Southern as they come (Srsly like, really backwater in the swamp rednecks). I've been cooking up oils, herbs are piling up, jars getting filled. I love it.

Giving candle making a go. This is soy wax. Everything was going just fine and then about 15 after I took this photo it, a leak spot formed near the flame and a waterfall of molten wax basically pored out rendering the candle more-less useless. Meh. The votives are working out well, but I think I'm going to try another wick with this size of candle mold. I'll be making beeswax dip candles too I think. I had forgotten what pure raw beeswax smelled like. Made me so nostalgic.

I found this little guy in an offering bowl I had set out to get some sun. I took it as a gift and he is now sitting on my altar. Also, new skeleton keys.

I'm off to plunder the herb seed catalogs of the internet and plot my future garden of herb and veg!

New friends and flower heads,

I finally got out today. Hubby told me I needed to get out of the house (I really did. I've been a total pill lately, poor guy, heh.) and do my thing, so I did.

Checked up on one of the first spots I went to when we moved out here. The trail into the woods hasn't been walked on in a long while (I hope it stays that way!) everything was quiet and had been freshly rained on. The air was thick and smelled of sun cured blackberries, faint pine, loam and green - I want to bottle it! I saw a red flash in the distance and immediately knew what I was looking at, a rowan! In the woods! Not in someones yard! Or a park! But the woods! The find was only too perfect. I was a bit afraid that I wouldn't be able to get to the tree due to the insanity that is Oregon brambles, but I made it. To top it off, there was a bit of a clearing around the base of the tree, I'm really hoping this trail area and/or the base of the rowan can be a place that I work at, if they're willing to have me that is. The rowan looks a bit sickly, only had two berry bunches (was a fairly decent size too). I'm hoping to either find or create a blessing charm, and lavish her/him (I don't know yet!) with regular checkups and my attention.

I set out for what I was really after, yarrow flowers. There is a near by "protected by voters" nature area. Consists of an abandon bum camp and quite a large meadow and the creek runs along it. Yarrow was everywhere. Collected about a dozen or so heads. It'll be accompanying my dandelion root tea.

Left a peppermint honey offering at the nearby crossroads and made my way home. Spotted this little fellow though, singing quite a loud song for his tiny size! He was nice enough to let me get close and take his pictures before he took off.

I should not be doing this right now, very random:

I really need to be working, not blogging. The urge is taking me over.

Many of my quick posts have been on tumblr. Its more less a good quick dumping ground for dreams, and quick photos.

I've been busy as shit and worn, but good.

I was in a bit of an empty space for a little while. I wasn't feeling anything good. Drained, tired, headachy (for a week or two) and then I realized just about 20 minutes ago why I had been feeling that way: I made an offering to my surrounding forest recently (just moved out here, beginning to make acquaintances). It was well received I believe, cautious acceptance I think. A few days after the offering, I had been out to collect blackberries and yarrow I found, arranged almost too perfectly in a tunnel of grass right by my feet, a dead hare. Probably a few days dead. It was a gift and I didn't take it. I offended. I KNEW it. I knew it the moment I walked away from the little thing. I feel like a prick. Never again. Lesson learned.

I have lots of projects planned out. It is a matter of waiting for the right moon phase! I've been keeping TeuxDeux open in my browser at all times to keep notes on when I'd like to get projects done or started. I need organization, or I'll just forget everything, heh. Stoner memory here.

Dandelion root harvesting is the nearest project that I've got going on. Going to try it as part of a dream tea. Lots of the little buggers growing in the yard of course. I'll be weeding (they're in the future garden area) and making something useful at the same time, two birds, one stone!

Adorable little egg eh? It was a dud left in a nest that I happened to find sitting low in the raspberry bush. I had never noticed it before, the nest kind of seemed to come from nowhere, literally. I wasn't quite sure the nest was abandon, because I would often see a female bird hopping around in that general area. I left it for a few weeks and kept an eye on it, no mother bird. She would have been out there giving me a firm lecture if I had gotten close at all, and I never happened to see her. The egg was hollow, a small opening on the bottom, I assume from insects.

Also! I had a GREAT mail day a little while ago:

Goodies from Forest Grove and books I probably shouldn't have ordered because I have stacks I need to read my way though. Cunning Folk and Familiar Spirits has jumped to the top of my list though!