Bitch Mother.

I have this necklace that I've started wearing since the clasp on my old necklace broke off. It's a silver chain with a small vintage key looped though and nothing more. This key lived on my altar to Hekate for some time. One day, I decided to wear it, as a reminder of Her and to have Her close to my heart. I don't generally wear my jewelry to bed, except for a ring, but I did just a few nights ago... after an emotionally rough evening. After saying my nightly words to Her, lighting Her candles and setting out some incense. I went to bed tearfully with the necklace still around my neck.

It was the first night, in a very long time that I had very symbolic dreams.

I stood in an apple orchard (apples have very much been on the brain these days) and I could see what looked like a large pack of hunting dogs off in the distance. They were running the perimeter of the orchard fence, guarding the boundary. I began to walk into the orchard and in doing so, I seemed to have upset the alpha male. He bellowed and came thundering at me along with a larger darker male dog, who seemed a great deal less harmless than the alpha male. Suddenly, the alpha female (who, in my lucid dreaming brain knew that she was the Mother Bitch, or Bitch Mother) looked me right in the eye and said out loud, "I'm going save you." It was right at that second that the alpha male was breathing down my neck, razor backed and standing on his tiptoes checking me out. I knew he planned to rip me to pieces, but she managed to whine and make all sorts of noise to distract and calm him. When I looked at his body, he wasn't really a hunting dog, but a war dog. His was riddled with scars and he was an old man. The other dog was younger, darker and aloof. The interaction between these three and I is still puzzling. But I think I have a general idea of what was going on and possibly pertaining to my human relationships. Funny that the older one had the war scars and the younger one didn't... Being the younger one in my relationship is actually a veteran of war.

Moving further into the orchard, the apples were strange. They had spines on them, like a pineapple would, but they were still apples. Thorned apples.

The dream morphed and I was elsewhere. I walked by a woman who asked me if I knew tarot, and ask me to be a fellow reader and rootworker for her shop. I declined her.

Funny enough, I walked out onto Cat Yronwodes house, or, her shop. I didn't see her, but I knew this was where she worked. There were honeybees about. They seemed to want to attack me, and I felt like they might, but didn't. They herded me into a wall of trees and brambles. Only one stung me, and she left a large long barb in my right arm.


Ever since I donned that necklace and key, I've been dream walking regularly. My body sleeps, but my spirit walks. I know I'm sleeping, but I know I'm awake - all through the night. So, I suppose this is my cue card to really work this form of travel.

Farewell and hello.

It's been a long time coming to this decision. I'm shooting from the hip here, so, bear with me while I blather.

But, I'm giving up the veganism. It first started with honey, ages ago. So, by all rights I'm not a strict vegan. Honey to me is such a grey area. Personally, I think it's stupid to not support small local bee keepers, especially if you eat local produce, and especially if you're vegan. They're pollinators! But, more than that, I wanted to give honey as an offering to my gods and spirits. I wanted to be able to make mead, and offer that to Them. Burn beeswax candles for Them, because it's a special magical substance.

I became vegan for ethical reasons. And... I could probably write a huge ass essay on horridness of factory farming, etc. We all know it's bad, I'm not here to discuss that. I know there are ethical and humane ways to consume animal products. Buying local, free range, buying from farms with humane practices. I've done a lot of research into my local ethical farms, and I feel much more comfortable with my decision, knowing I am supporting people who give a shit.

Intense egg cravings hit me about five months ago, and more recently, salmon fat. Not just the flesh, but the fat. About the same time these cravings began to hit me, my nails have become brittle, they peel and generally look like shit. I've never had this issue until now, almost three years into veganism. Now, I don't have girly hands. I keep my nails short, it's practical for me. They actually became painful, because they bend back and the quick under my nail gets ripped and exposed. I've taken all manner of supplements, changed my eating (while remaining vegan) to combat the issue, nothing has improved.

Every meal the past few months, has become a painful pain in the ass. I don't eat wheat based proteins, because they sit like a brick in my stomach for a long time. I simply don't digest it well. Tofu and tempeh, aren't as bad, but again, the digestion just isn't always comfortable for me. Textured soy proteins... it just, it doesn't feel natural. I feel like my food has disconnected me. It's man made food, so processed, so refined. 

Sometimes, when you're deep in physical exercise you have a sort of mantra that will come to you. Salmon fat, salmon fat, salmon fat, salmon fat... All I could think of, was the small raw belly trimmings I used to get off the fresh salmon while working at a Japanese restaurant, back in the day. My chef would trim it off and place it in a bowl for whoever wanted a piece. I always got my piece.

That. That's all I've been thinking about on my rides these past few months. Fucking salmon fat. I am of the belief, that when your body craves something, it is lacking something it needs. My body has been screaming for it.

I finally got an appointment with a doctor and I heard it: "You should probably get some animal based protein." It made sense. Even though I had been playing around with the idea, it was a relief to have someone say that to me.

I write this as a vegan, now. Tomorrow, I break the long fast with local, free range eggs. I will first offer a whole egg to Hekate, gods, which I've been wanting to do for Her forever. And I will quietly eat them in front of Her altar, in thanks. And with the new perspective on the understanding that it does indeed, take life, to feed life.

To HMS Hecate.

Oceanic Queen.
Tied you had me.
And thrown I was.
Into your roaring.
Swallowing. Depths.
I knew you came.
Blade sharp.
Keen. Waiting.
Undone, to be.
I knew.
I felt it there.
I died.
I woke. Remade.

*

She said to me, right as I was about to leave, "Oh child... you don't know. You don't know."

A series of dog barks snapped me out of my trance and the owl stared me in the eye.

Brought to you by: Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale and Crispin Lansdowne.

Giving thanks,

While most of America will be sitting down to a traditional supper of taters and turkey, I will be doing none of that. I will be giving thanks to Her. Hekates deipnon synced up nicely with Thanksgiving this year.

At the start of November, I found myself sinking back into old habits. I was in a spiritual lull. Dragging my ass into my room to do devotionals was hard. My attention was gravitating towards unproductive activities, there was a general malaise about everything. I kept kicking myself for feeling this way. Spiritual lulls aren't supposed to happen right? Wrong. They happen. What I find myself getting really frustrated over, is not being able to find a way out - it's like a black fucking hole sometimes.

One night, I put myself in front of Her altar lit the candles and incense and unloaded. I asked Her for the guidance to find my way out, a method to deal with this reoccurring theme in my practice.

Yesterday it all fell into place, in no particular order:

1. No weed (still an issue for me).
2. Spiritual cleansing on a regular basis.
3. MEDITATE.
4. Devotions, daily.
5. Regular offerings.
6. DO IT.

I know, it's pretty basic shit that I should know already. It was a real DERP moment when it dawned on me. But when I get into those lulls, I have no idea where to pick my shit back up again. I often feel like I am trying to catch something in pitch black darkness. I needed to learn how to pick myself up properly and shake the dust off so that I may continue on my merry way.

It started to click as I was preparing the house for the deipnon and Noumenia yesterday. We've been out of weed for a little while, so my head was clear. I ritually cleaned the living shit out of the house, worked up a sweat and got a bit of a blister and all. Found some time to meditate, which has become something I seriously must keep up, my ADD brain can be painful at times and I find much relief doing it regularly. If you haven't read Jason Millers thoughts on meditation and think you cant do it, then I strongly suggest you read a few of his books! Then I spent the evening baking banana bread for Hermes (he seems to like bananas, more on that later), sprucing up his shrine and writing in my physical journal. When my "OH DERP" moment hit me, I ran to Hekate's altar and sang my thanks to Her.

I found myself feeling measurably better. I need to reinforce my practice when things are feeling lackluster. No, sparks aren't always going to fly, but you maintain that connection. Falling down is part of the process, it just all in how you pick yourself back up.

I give you praise Hekate. Queen and mistress of the crossroads. Illuminator. Key bearer of the cosmos and all that lies between.

Deipnon,

Cup of amanita supped, cake made, dates, garlic, wine, olive oil, homemade incense gathered. Walked a mile in the dusk to the crossroads, called to Her and left my offering. Left a payment to the local spirits for letting me work on their lands. Then I walked home in the black darkness without looking back. And that night I dreamt of snakes.

Done and done.

My dedication took the span of three evenings. It worked out rather well for it to end on the last day of September, I didn't specifically plan it that way rather, it just happened. So, I woke up on October 1st anew.

This oath wasn't to a deity, or spirits (that comes in time). It was to myself. A promise.

I called to my spirits, my ancestors and to Hekate. I called and I called, I kept calling... then I heard the bark of an unfamiliar dog outside, my awareness heightened and the candle light shifted just so that the face, and only the main darkened face of my Hekate plaque was illuminated. Some tears issued and I moved on with the rite.

I found something I had lost just a day before the dedication process took off. It symbolizes my union - I plan to guard and keep it, as long as it chooses to stay with me. It's a constant reminder of my promise. A constant reminder that I cannot turn back.

Although random, this happened on the second day of the dedication. I didn't even realize the (personal) significance until after the rite was done.

I went out to scout a piece of land I haven't visited in a while. It's a trail that breaks off of a main trail (former railroad track) here in my neck of the woods. I remember there being a three way dirt crossroads along the smaller trail. I figured it must have been overgrown by now. I was quite surprised to find it well intact, it really pleased me to find it that way. I rolled up a cigarette and puffed it (not inhaling) as an offering. The entrance path is very easy to get to and leads to the city. The other path to my surprise, but not really considering how invasive blackberries are here was literally choked with brambles, you'd probably bleed to death trying to walk through it. The third path you got access to by hopping over a few logs and lead right up a hill and into the forest, in a manner of speaking, that was the path I chose.

Waking up,

I feel so dirty right now. I've been cleaning the house in preparation for Hekate's deipnon.

Kitchen totally scrubbed. Floors cleaned and then washed with rue, basil and rosemary. Fumigated. Now I need to bake the saffron honey cake and work on a few other things. But before that, I need to clip some hyssop and then bathe. This particular spread for Her is a little bit more elaborate than usual. That's because I've been a horrible shit for the past two months and I know that I owe it. I suppose I ought to explain that, at a later date.

On the Noumenia, I make a dedication. After a long bit of thought I am fully embracing my path as a witch. As fucking silly as it sounds, I've been fighting like an indecisive child about it. I haven't parted with what I once was, and now I will be. I'll finally be stepping into this with some confidence. It's about damn time too, because I've been stalling for about two years, yes, two years.

You see, there have been attempts on my part to ignore this path. To make a long story short, that was what I was doing for the past two months. I thought to myself, "I'll just be a lay-pagan. Take the easy road." Why? Because this shit is hard fucking work and I have a tendency to be lazy. I realized though, I would go on to live the most unfulfilled life and I saw myself on my deathbed writhing in the regret of taking that easy road. I cant.

I woke up (figuratively and literally) one morning like I had been giving a shot of adrenalin, a few days before the equinox. The rite immediately unfolded in my head and then I set to work. I haven't stopped since, and this time, I don't plan to.

"You have taken your first step into a larger world." - Obi-Wan Kenobi

Hymn to Hekate,

Lovely Hekate of the roads and crossroads I invoke;
In heaven, on earth, and in the sea, saffron-cloaked,
Tomb spirit, reveling in the souls of the dead,
Daughter of Perses, haunting deserted places, delighting in deer,
Nocturnal, dog-loving, monstrous queen,
Devouring wild beasts, ungirt, of repelling countenance.
You, herder of bulls, queen and mistress of the whole world,
Leader, nymph, mountain-roaming nurturer of youth, maiden,
I beseech you to come to these holy rites,
Ever with joyous heart and ever favoring the oxherd.

- Orphic Hymn to Hekate

(ETA: A better translation provided by Forest Door)

Solstice and some stuff,

I didn't have much planned for the solstice. A few days before hand, I decided it would be a good idea to leave offerings at the stream and bathe my Hekate plaque and my newly acquired statue of Artemis. So that's what I did. I read hymns and talked to the spirits of the stream and local woods. Left crystallized honey, my best pink lady apple and borage flowers. I lit up a tiny bit of tobacco as well. Daises were everywhere and so were the blazing foxgloves. It was a lovely day.

I also harvested the tallest grasses in the yard, to make a hand broom. I cut back the lemon balm and harvested tons of it. I want to use part of it in a tincture of perfumers alcohol - I am going to be experimenting in making botanical perfume for ritual use. I'm really into the idea of slow brewing alcohol based perfumes, the possibilities are endless.

The bees have been hard at work in the raspberry patch. All the flowers are now small little fruits, getting a little bit more plump everyday. It should go without saying that the first harvest is for offerings only, after that, I will be fucking drowning in raspberries!

Thank you sweet little bees, without you, we would not have such lovely and sweet things to eat.

Tomorrow I go to Eugene. The man and I are thinking about relocating there, actually, we are going to be relocating there - sometime in the future. We both rather prefer living in college towns (we met in a college town actually) they have a unique current that runs through them. We also dislike living in hipster central.

Stupid saffron,

I CAN'T make my saffron honey cake for Hekate's Deipnon, if I don't have any fucking saffron! My little case of the precious threads are missing. Gah. I could possibly use some saffron absolute that I have stashed away. Since this cake isn't for human consumption, that should be ok.


Watch, I'll find that damn saffron somewhere totally obvious when I'm done baking.

Now we know,

I posted this antique store find months ago. I did a little research and I think I know where it came from. Apparently this crest belongs to the HMS Hecate, which was a Royal Navy deep ocean survey vessel. "She who works from afar," indeed. Perhaps now, I understand what that dream meant: I was being torn and destroyed by the propeller of a ship at sea. I felt the pain of my legs being cut off and the thud of the huge blades slicing into me.

This plaque means so much to me, and I know that finding it was NOT a coincidence. It is a physical reminder of Her, always.

Starting with the moon,

I fine tuned my normal calender into lunar based months just a few nights ago. As it unfolded, it just made sense to me, like a smack up side the head ("where have you been?!"). I've been looking to establish routine and a system, or schedule if you will for ages, and finally, finally something I think will work for me.

Right off the bat? A formal Hekate's Deipnon. I've done a similar sort of supper for her before. Crossroads offerings - baking of a saffron honey cake in her honor, dandelion root tea and garlic cloves left at a handy spot I found along the nature trail that runs by our house.

(saffron honey cake, it is a variation of the recipe found in Hekate: Key to the crossroads. It's a vegan cake base and then made unvegan with the lemon and honey glaze poured over it)

I'll be creating a shrine to Hestia tonight, I have a decent sized ledge that hangs right over my stove that'll be perfect. This is something that I've actually been wanting to do for a while. And a few particularly perfect shrine items fell into my lap the past few days, giving me the nudge to get it done.

I get the nagging feeling that it is high time to put the books down and get the hands dirty. Or maybe that is just cabin fever? The rains are so persistent and I feel house bound! (I really need some going-out-in-rain gear) All I want is to sit in my backyard with plant friends and bask in the sun.

Which reminds me! I have datura seedlings, opium poppy seedlings (both doing particularly well) and newly sprouted henbane seedlings. The non poisons are currently all edible solanaceae: eggplants (ping tung, little fingers) tomatoes (black cherry, silvery fir tree) and peppers (Ozark giants, Bulgarian carrot, Italian bull horn, and another hot variety - cant remember the name). They're doing pretty good, they seem content under the grow light. I'll need to transplant them soon though.

The days are noticeably longer I know, I just want the sun to touch my chilly bones. Mmm, mid-summer.

Chewing the cud,

And what am I chewing on?

Hellenic polytheism. To put it simply, it speaks to my heart. This is something I've just fully realized the past few weeks or so.

I find the gods everywhere I look and everywhere I turn.

I don't think I can avoid this/them, or just shrug it off. I feel like it's something I've been looking for, for sometime.

And what do I plan to do about it?

Make some serious additions to my personal practice and rework my calendar... for starters.

I don't really have any sort of lengthy explanation of how I came to this decision, I don't even think it was my decision to begin with! Hekate very neatly placed this in front of me. I asked for direction and the torchlight illuminates. I feel oddly awkward talking about this, it's such a personal revelation.

I heard this song at such an appropriate moment last night:

Don't try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin',
you've got to Open your heart to me, baby
I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin'
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Open your heart with the key
One is such a lonely number

Recently,

I haven't been updating because I've entered a bit of a nether-void. Emotionally, I've been on edge, stressed, negative and just plain bitchy. I've been doing my best to pinpoint where this is coming from, what I am doing wrong or if something is doing this to me. As much as anyone would like to blame their problems on something else, I cant do that right now. Its me. Getting to the root of things.

I'm still mulling over the tarot spread I did on the dark moon, I did it during communion with Hekate. It was harsh. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Her right now. Cant expect fucking sunshine and teacakes 24/7 can we? I have a lot of work ahead of me, spiritually. I mean, when don't we! But its the tough stuff, that is tough, but so worth it - I know. Feeling a lot of self-doubt right now. Feeling a lot of, "I wanna do everything now!" and total lack of patience.

On a less crybaby note,

I've taken a sudden dive into working hoodoo into my practice. I wasn't quite comfortable with it at first, but, I seem to keep going back to it for spells and workings. It isn't much of a surprise really. I may be a transplant, but me, my family and heritage is Southern as they come (Srsly like, really backwater in the swamp rednecks). I've been cooking up oils, herbs are piling up, jars getting filled. I love it.

Giving candle making a go. This is soy wax. Everything was going just fine and then about 15 after I took this photo it, a leak spot formed near the flame and a waterfall of molten wax basically pored out rendering the candle more-less useless. Meh. The votives are working out well, but I think I'm going to try another wick with this size of candle mold. I'll be making beeswax dip candles too I think. I had forgotten what pure raw beeswax smelled like. Made me so nostalgic.

I found this little guy in an offering bowl I had set out to get some sun. I took it as a gift and he is now sitting on my altar. Also, new skeleton keys.

I'm off to plunder the herb seed catalogs of the internet and plot my future garden of herb and veg!

The last of summer berries,

When we first looked at the house we're in now (just renting) the raspberry bushes were heavy with fruit, it made me so excited. We weren't able to move in in time to reap the full berry harvest, but we're lucky enough to enjoy these last few fruits of the summer. Its nice being able to pop out into the yard for a little snack.


And on a completely unrelated note, posted this on the tumblr earlier this afternoon:

Looking forward to the new moon. I plan on making incense and an oil for Hekate. I haven’t felt much of her lately, she is subtle. Her name has a habit of popping up all over the internet when I’m not even looking for her. A few months ago though, I was being visited by snakes and dogs very frequently in my dreams and was bitten while dreaming (it was a kind of friendly bite, if that makes any sort of sense). When I began researching the messages I was being sent I was almost shocked that it was in fact, her. I had been looking towards my own ancestry (run of the mill, Scots-Irish, Germanic) and expected to find my gods there, but no. Now that I know she has chosen to work with me, she seems to have backed off, but illuminates on things that she would like from me or what I should do. My relationship with her is a few months old, and only now am I building an altar in her name and working on regular worship. I’m looking very forward to building a stronger relationship with her. In a way, this is sort of solidifying that I do in fact have a relationship with her. Like a personal affirmation that I’ve never made.

Fuck yeah for figuring shit out!