It's been a long time coming to this decision. I'm shooting from the hip here, so, bear with me while I blather.
But, I'm giving up the veganism. It first started with honey, ages ago. So, by all rights I'm not a strict vegan. Honey to me is such a grey area. Personally, I think it's stupid to not support small local bee keepers, especially if you eat local produce, and especially if you're vegan. They're pollinators! But, more than that, I wanted to give honey as an offering to my gods and spirits. I wanted to be able to make mead, and offer that to Them. Burn beeswax candles for Them, because it's a special magical substance.
I became vegan for ethical reasons. And... I could probably write a huge ass essay on horridness of factory farming, etc. We all know it's bad, I'm not here to discuss that. I know there are ethical and humane ways to consume animal products. Buying local, free range, buying from farms with humane practices. I've done a lot of research into my local ethical farms, and I feel much more comfortable with my decision, knowing I am supporting people who give a shit.
Intense egg cravings hit me about five months ago, and more recently, salmon fat. Not just the flesh, but the fat. About the same time these cravings began to hit me, my nails have become brittle, they peel and generally look like shit. I've never had this issue until now, almost three years into veganism. Now, I don't have girly hands. I keep my nails short, it's practical for me. They actually became painful, because they bend back and the quick under my nail gets ripped and exposed. I've taken all manner of supplements, changed my eating (while remaining vegan) to combat the issue, nothing has improved.
Every meal the past few months, has become a painful pain in the ass. I don't eat wheat based proteins, because they sit like a brick in my stomach for a long time. I simply don't digest it well. Tofu and tempeh, aren't as bad, but again, the digestion just isn't always comfortable for me. Textured soy proteins... it just, it doesn't feel natural. I feel like my food has disconnected me. It's man made food, so processed, so refined.
Sometimes, when you're deep in physical exercise you have a sort of mantra that will come to you. Salmon fat, salmon fat, salmon fat, salmon fat... All I could think of, was the small raw belly trimmings I used to get off the fresh salmon while working at a Japanese restaurant, back in the day. My chef would trim it off and place it in a bowl for whoever wanted a piece. I always got my piece.
That. That's all I've been thinking about on my rides these past few months. Fucking salmon fat. I am of the belief, that when your body craves something, it is lacking something it needs. My body has been screaming for it.
I finally got an appointment with a doctor and I heard it: "You should probably get some animal based protein." It made sense. Even though I had been playing around with the idea, it was a relief to have someone say that to me.
I write this as a vegan, now. Tomorrow, I break the long fast with local, free range eggs. I will first offer a whole egg to Hekate, gods, which I've been wanting to do for Her forever. And I will quietly eat them in front of Her altar, in thanks. And with the new perspective on the understanding that it does indeed, take life, to feed life.
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Dusting,
I've been living.
It's been what... Almost a year? Almost.
Let's see, what happened in that time. I'll try my best here, to sum it up.
December-January, saw me get fat. Well, not horribly fat, but chubby enough I was disgusted with myself. It was a winter of pies and whatever the hell else I wanted to jam into my face. I think I may have been depressed. I invested in a light box. The SADs take a beating to me. It creates this black hole vacuum in me... and I cannot escape its pull. I wanted nothing more than carbohydrates and sleep. Practice and spiritually speaking, I was doing my monthly duties, then. It wasn't particularly loud for me then. But with this blog, I don't know... I began to feel, like I was trying to validate my spiritual existence with writing here. I began to compare myself to others (ie. other pagan bloggers and witches), and I began to wonder why I wasn't at the same places others were at. I began to beat myself up mentally for not being like them. Not feeling worthy. Wondering if I did it all for selfish reasons. So, I walked away from the blogging. I really had to take a step back and away from the overload of information and others experiences and focus on my own.
February-March, saw shit turn upsidefuckingdown. My relationship with my partner, opened up. More like, I discovered and came out to him that I was polyamorous. But, you know, this isn't the place to explain all of that, nor do I feel the need to explain the intricacies of my relationship dynamics. But I fell in love with another man, while remaining and being in a committed long term relationship with another. I currently hold that in balance. Somehow, I don't fucking know, I was blessed with the ability to manage it all with grace. Every day is a testament to how very thankful I am, that all of it worked out so beautifully. To say the least, some very serious growing up happened in a very short period of time. My practice took a back burner while I handled the massive changes that were taking place. My lard ass also started exercising. I made a serious commitment to becoming strong again, healthier.
April-May, I don't really remember what the fuck was going on. I was exercising hard. Tending to my human relationships, which, were a bit tender and sensitive at the time. They required a lot of work. A lot. Between that, physically exhausting myself on a daily basis and running a business, there was little left in my brain at the end of the day.
June-July-August, I was sun starved. This was the summer, the first summer that I realized how much passion and adoration I had for the sun. For so many years I protected myself from him. I never let him touch me, I recoiled from his rays for fear of loosing my lovely pallor. I spent every fucking second I could spare to stand under him and absorb that radiant heat. To see the yellow orange of my blood behind my eyelids as I tilt my head in his direction, to feel the burn on my skin, the flush in my cheek and the prickle of sweat beading on my lower back. His vitality pulsing and pushing through every bit of me. I felt like an alien so much of the time, when I was often awestruck, basking in the perfect heat of an object 149.6 million kilometers away from our Earth. I love him. Although, given my Ariesness, this should be no surprise. I lost weight, my limbs tightened and I became golden bronzed from riding miles and miles on my bike out into the hills. My hair turned into lavender and I scented myself with summer: Orange blossom, sandalwood, bourbon vanilla, jasmine sambac and orris. I still have it, bottled, liquid sun. I harnessed a new confidence. Somehow, all that self-consciousness and social anxiety melted away. This summer left me different.
Now, wildfire and dry trees rattling for rain. On my bike rides, you can see the accumulation of a month or two of no rain: A dusty rose haze hovers over the horizon and the sky takes on a barely there blue. And if you work up a sweat, while moving at grueling 14 mph along country roads, you come home all crusted in grit, dust and salt and your eyes sting something fierce. But, you can feel death creeping in through the open bedroom window at about 4am, when the temperature drops drastically. Fall is come, you can smell her, hear her even, in the trees. The shadows are just cool enough that I seek the embrace of the sun, I'm soaking up all that I can now, before I make the descent.
I am not being called back per se, because I never left. I just know, it's time to get back to serious work, again,
It's been what... Almost a year? Almost.
Let's see, what happened in that time. I'll try my best here, to sum it up.
December-January, saw me get fat. Well, not horribly fat, but chubby enough I was disgusted with myself. It was a winter of pies and whatever the hell else I wanted to jam into my face. I think I may have been depressed. I invested in a light box. The SADs take a beating to me. It creates this black hole vacuum in me... and I cannot escape its pull. I wanted nothing more than carbohydrates and sleep. Practice and spiritually speaking, I was doing my monthly duties, then. It wasn't particularly loud for me then. But with this blog, I don't know... I began to feel, like I was trying to validate my spiritual existence with writing here. I began to compare myself to others (ie. other pagan bloggers and witches), and I began to wonder why I wasn't at the same places others were at. I began to beat myself up mentally for not being like them. Not feeling worthy. Wondering if I did it all for selfish reasons. So, I walked away from the blogging. I really had to take a step back and away from the overload of information and others experiences and focus on my own.
February-March, saw shit turn upsidefuckingdown. My relationship with my partner, opened up. More like, I discovered and came out to him that I was polyamorous. But, you know, this isn't the place to explain all of that, nor do I feel the need to explain the intricacies of my relationship dynamics. But I fell in love with another man, while remaining and being in a committed long term relationship with another. I currently hold that in balance. Somehow, I don't fucking know, I was blessed with the ability to manage it all with grace. Every day is a testament to how very thankful I am, that all of it worked out so beautifully. To say the least, some very serious growing up happened in a very short period of time. My practice took a back burner while I handled the massive changes that were taking place. My lard ass also started exercising. I made a serious commitment to becoming strong again, healthier.
April-May, I don't really remember what the fuck was going on. I was exercising hard. Tending to my human relationships, which, were a bit tender and sensitive at the time. They required a lot of work. A lot. Between that, physically exhausting myself on a daily basis and running a business, there was little left in my brain at the end of the day.
June-July-August, I was sun starved. This was the summer, the first summer that I realized how much passion and adoration I had for the sun. For so many years I protected myself from him. I never let him touch me, I recoiled from his rays for fear of loosing my lovely pallor. I spent every fucking second I could spare to stand under him and absorb that radiant heat. To see the yellow orange of my blood behind my eyelids as I tilt my head in his direction, to feel the burn on my skin, the flush in my cheek and the prickle of sweat beading on my lower back. His vitality pulsing and pushing through every bit of me. I felt like an alien so much of the time, when I was often awestruck, basking in the perfect heat of an object 149.6 million kilometers away from our Earth. I love him. Although, given my Ariesness, this should be no surprise. I lost weight, my limbs tightened and I became golden bronzed from riding miles and miles on my bike out into the hills. My hair turned into lavender and I scented myself with summer: Orange blossom, sandalwood, bourbon vanilla, jasmine sambac and orris. I still have it, bottled, liquid sun. I harnessed a new confidence. Somehow, all that self-consciousness and social anxiety melted away. This summer left me different.
Now, wildfire and dry trees rattling for rain. On my bike rides, you can see the accumulation of a month or two of no rain: A dusty rose haze hovers over the horizon and the sky takes on a barely there blue. And if you work up a sweat, while moving at grueling 14 mph along country roads, you come home all crusted in grit, dust and salt and your eyes sting something fierce. But, you can feel death creeping in through the open bedroom window at about 4am, when the temperature drops drastically. Fall is come, you can smell her, hear her even, in the trees. The shadows are just cool enough that I seek the embrace of the sun, I'm soaking up all that I can now, before I make the descent.
I am not being called back per se, because I never left. I just know, it's time to get back to serious work, again,
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Weeds weeds weeds,
I've been thinking about this for a while and Sarah got me thinking a little further about Entheogens and Self-Control. However, this is more about my recreational weed habit and not as something I use for spiritual experiences. Rather, it's about how it is hindering me from further spiritual growth.
I love pot. I've been smoking it regularly for about 10 years now, a few breaks here and there for good measure. My husband smokes it to help his appetite and stomach problems. I smoke recreationally, for pleasure, relaxation, sleep (my dream work suffers though when I smoke before bed), tunnel vision, warm blanket feeling, etc.
In the recent months and in the past though, I find myself burying a hole and staying there for weeks, months even and I don't get anything done - spiritually speaking. As much as I hate to admit it, as much as I don't even want to admit this to myself, it clogs me up anymore. Like I mentioned, my dream work will suffer horribly. I refuse to do trancework when high or even coming down, it feels counter intuitive and just plain awkward.
I keep thinking I could just set a time limit on when I smoke during the day, like smoking hours. Or consider doing it only as an occasional treat. Another part of me is nagging that I should give it up altogether, for the sake of my spiritual practice and development, because at this point I think that my habit is hindering me more than anything.
Sacrifices. They must be made. Noumenia is coming up and I think that that would be a good way to enter the next month. I'm going to do it.
I love pot. I've been smoking it regularly for about 10 years now, a few breaks here and there for good measure. My husband smokes it to help his appetite and stomach problems. I smoke recreationally, for pleasure, relaxation, sleep (my dream work suffers though when I smoke before bed), tunnel vision, warm blanket feeling, etc.
In the recent months and in the past though, I find myself burying a hole and staying there for weeks, months even and I don't get anything done - spiritually speaking. As much as I hate to admit it, as much as I don't even want to admit this to myself, it clogs me up anymore. Like I mentioned, my dream work will suffer horribly. I refuse to do trancework when high or even coming down, it feels counter intuitive and just plain awkward.
I keep thinking I could just set a time limit on when I smoke during the day, like smoking hours. Or consider doing it only as an occasional treat. Another part of me is nagging that I should give it up altogether, for the sake of my spiritual practice and development, because at this point I think that my habit is hindering me more than anything.
Sacrifices. They must be made. Noumenia is coming up and I think that that would be a good way to enter the next month. I'm going to do it.
*
I've spent most of the day cleaning like crazy. My husband surprised me when he said that I should take over the spare room of ours. We don't use it for anything other than bike storage, cat tower and TV that we never use. So, we've moved the television to the bedroom and I've been moving all of my books and sacred things into my, "lady time" room as we both call it. I'm pretty excited and happy.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Starting with the moon,
I fine tuned my normal calender into lunar based months just a few nights ago. As it unfolded, it just made sense to me, like a smack up side the head ("where have you been?!"). I've been looking to establish routine and a system, or schedule if you will for ages, and finally, finally something I think will work for me.
Right off the bat? A formal Hekate's Deipnon. I've done a similar sort of supper for her before. Crossroads offerings - baking of a saffron honey cake in her honor, dandelion root tea and garlic cloves left at a handy spot I found along the nature trail that runs by our house.
(saffron honey cake, it is a variation of the recipe found in Hekate: Key to the crossroads. It's a vegan cake base and then made unvegan with the lemon and honey glaze poured over it)
I'll be creating a shrine to Hestia tonight, I have a decent sized ledge that hangs right over my stove that'll be perfect. This is something that I've actually been wanting to do for a while. And a few particularly perfect shrine items fell into my lap the past few days, giving me the nudge to get it done.
I get the nagging feeling that it is high time to put the books down and get the hands dirty. Or maybe that is just cabin fever? The rains are so persistent and I feel house bound! (I really need some going-out-in-rain gear) All I want is to sit in my backyard with plant friends and bask in the sun.
Which reminds me! I have datura seedlings, opium poppy seedlings (both doing particularly well) and newly sprouted henbane seedlings. The non poisons are currently all edible solanaceae: eggplants (ping tung, little fingers) tomatoes (black cherry, silvery fir tree) and peppers (Ozark giants, Bulgarian carrot, Italian bull horn, and another hot variety - cant remember the name). They're doing pretty good, they seem content under the grow light. I'll need to transplant them soon though.
Right off the bat? A formal Hekate's Deipnon. I've done a similar sort of supper for her before. Crossroads offerings - baking of a saffron honey cake in her honor, dandelion root tea and garlic cloves left at a handy spot I found along the nature trail that runs by our house.
(saffron honey cake, it is a variation of the recipe found in Hekate: Key to the crossroads. It's a vegan cake base and then made unvegan with the lemon and honey glaze poured over it)
I'll be creating a shrine to Hestia tonight, I have a decent sized ledge that hangs right over my stove that'll be perfect. This is something that I've actually been wanting to do for a while. And a few particularly perfect shrine items fell into my lap the past few days, giving me the nudge to get it done.
I get the nagging feeling that it is high time to put the books down and get the hands dirty. Or maybe that is just cabin fever? The rains are so persistent and I feel house bound! (I really need some going-out-in-rain gear) All I want is to sit in my backyard with plant friends and bask in the sun.
Which reminds me! I have datura seedlings, opium poppy seedlings (both doing particularly well) and newly sprouted henbane seedlings. The non poisons are currently all edible solanaceae: eggplants (ping tung, little fingers) tomatoes (black cherry, silvery fir tree) and peppers (Ozark giants, Bulgarian carrot, Italian bull horn, and another hot variety - cant remember the name). They're doing pretty good, they seem content under the grow light. I'll need to transplant them soon though.
The days are noticeably longer I know, I just want the sun to touch my chilly bones. Mmm, mid-summer.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Chewing the cud,
And what am I chewing on?
Hellenic polytheism. To put it simply, it speaks to my heart. This is something I've just fully realized the past few weeks or so.
I find the gods everywhere I look and everywhere I turn.
I don't think I can avoid this/them, or just shrug it off. I feel like it's something I've been looking for, for sometime.
And what do I plan to do about it?
Make some serious additions to my personal practice and rework my calendar... for starters.
I don't really have any sort of lengthy explanation of how I came to this decision, I don't even think it was my decision to begin with! Hekate very neatly placed this in front of me. I asked for direction and the torchlight illuminates. I feel oddly awkward talking about this, it's such a personal revelation.
I heard this song at such an appropriate moment last night:
Don't try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin',
you've got to Open your heart to me, baby
I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin'
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Open your heart with the key
One is such a lonely number
Hellenic polytheism. To put it simply, it speaks to my heart. This is something I've just fully realized the past few weeks or so.
I find the gods everywhere I look and everywhere I turn.
I don't think I can avoid this/them, or just shrug it off. I feel like it's something I've been looking for, for sometime.
And what do I plan to do about it?
Make some serious additions to my personal practice and rework my calendar... for starters.
I don't really have any sort of lengthy explanation of how I came to this decision, I don't even think it was my decision to begin with! Hekate very neatly placed this in front of me. I asked for direction and the torchlight illuminates. I feel oddly awkward talking about this, it's such a personal revelation.
I heard this song at such an appropriate moment last night:
Don't try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from tryin',
you've got to Open your heart to me, baby
I'll hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin'
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key
Open your heart with the key
One is such a lonely number
Monday, August 2, 2010
Well?
Woke at 4:30 am today. I am liking this early thing, maybe it’ll stick.
Left early to hit the very long bike trail near the house before we signed the lease. The trail heads south, out towards the country. I google mapped the shit out of the area and I guess the trail eventually goes to gravel, through a small town and ends inside of a state park. Yes.
I found several small entrances into the woods from the path as we rode further south. Thank the gods, because the trail area near the house has no entrance ways into the woods, either that or its private land … Or masses of bramble thickets prevent you from even thinking about giving it a go.
THE brambles, jesus H christ they’re fucking everywhere and laden with berries like you wouldn’t believe. Spotted a trio of rowan trees in a small flowering field, that I’m pretty sure belongs to someone. Sneaky trespassing? Maybe.
Gah. So much exploring and learning ahead of me. Couldn’t be happier right now.
My new life starts tomorrow. I'm going develop relationship with a land I know hardly nothing about, hopefully that is, if it is ok to have my company.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Argh,
Juggling work with this move is proving to be tougher than I thought. Starting now and up until the end of the year, everything will be mostly blurry.
Walked out and around the trail that leads towards the forest patch when we were out signing the lease. Most of it was private land with no trespassing signs fucking everywhere. Go figure. I know there will totally be a way around it. I know there is a patch with my name all over it. Blackberries are everywhere out there too. There will be no shortage of blackberry everything come late summer.
Also, yesterday it dawned on me: ancestors. DERP. This was affirmed by a flood of weird happy that filled me when I was in war mode over something stupid. It was strange, because I was like, O RLY? Could it be? And then it was a huge bucket of yes poured over my head.
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