It's been what... Almost a year? Almost.
Let's see, what happened in that time. I'll try my best here, to sum it up.
December-January, saw me get fat. Well, not horribly fat, but chubby enough I was disgusted with myself. It was a winter of pies and whatever the hell else I wanted to jam into my face. I think I may have been depressed. I invested in a light box. The SADs take a beating to me. It creates this black hole vacuum in me... and I cannot escape its pull. I wanted nothing more than carbohydrates and sleep. Practice and spiritually speaking, I was doing my monthly duties, then. It wasn't particularly loud for me then. But with this blog, I don't know... I began to feel, like I was trying to validate my spiritual existence with writing here. I began to compare myself to others (ie. other pagan bloggers and witches), and I began to wonder why I wasn't at the same places others were at. I began to beat myself up mentally for not being like them. Not feeling worthy. Wondering if I did it all for selfish reasons. So, I walked away from the blogging. I really had to take a step back and away from the overload of information and others experiences and focus on my own.
February-March, saw shit turn upsidefuckingdown. My relationship with my partner, opened up. More like, I discovered and came out to him that I was polyamorous. But, you know, this isn't the place to explain all of that, nor do I feel the need to explain the intricacies of my relationship dynamics. But I fell in love with another man, while remaining and being in a committed long term relationship with another. I currently hold that in balance. Somehow, I don't fucking know, I was blessed with the ability to manage it all with grace. Every day is a testament to how very thankful I am, that all of it worked out so beautifully. To say the least, some very serious growing up happened in a very short period of time. My practice took a back burner while I handled the massive changes that were taking place. My lard ass also started exercising. I made a serious commitment to becoming strong again, healthier.
April-May, I don't really remember what the fuck was going on. I was exercising hard. Tending to my human relationships, which, were a bit tender and sensitive at the time. They required a lot of work. A lot. Between that, physically exhausting myself on a daily basis and running a business, there was little left in my brain at the end of the day.
June-July-August, I was sun starved. This was the summer, the first summer that I realized how much passion and adoration I had for the sun. For so many years I protected myself from him. I never let him touch me, I recoiled from his rays for fear of loosing my lovely pallor. I spent every fucking second I could spare to stand under him and absorb that radiant heat. To see the yellow orange of my blood behind my eyelids as I tilt my head in his direction, to feel the burn on my skin, the flush in my cheek and the prickle of sweat beading on my lower back. His vitality pulsing and pushing through every bit of me. I felt like an alien so much of the time, when I was often awestruck, basking in the perfect heat of an object 149.6 million kilometers away from our Earth. I love him. Although, given my Ariesness, this should be no surprise. I lost weight, my limbs tightened and I became golden bronzed from riding miles and miles on my bike out into the hills. My hair turned into lavender and I scented myself with summer: Orange blossom, sandalwood, bourbon vanilla, jasmine sambac and orris. I still have it, bottled, liquid sun. I harnessed a new confidence. Somehow, all that self-consciousness and social anxiety melted away. This summer left me different.
Now, wildfire and dry trees rattling for rain. On my bike rides, you can see the accumulation of a month or two of no rain: A dusty rose haze hovers over the horizon and the sky takes on a barely there blue. And if you work up a sweat, while moving at grueling 14 mph along country roads, you come home all crusted in grit, dust and salt and your eyes sting something fierce. But, you can feel death creeping in through the open bedroom window at about 4am, when the temperature drops drastically. Fall is come, you can smell her, hear her even, in the trees. The shadows are just cool enough that I seek the embrace of the sun, I'm soaking up all that I can now, before I make the descent.
I am not being called back per se, because I never left. I just know, it's time to get back to serious work, again,
