Farewell and hello.

It's been a long time coming to this decision. I'm shooting from the hip here, so, bear with me while I blather.

But, I'm giving up the veganism. It first started with honey, ages ago. So, by all rights I'm not a strict vegan. Honey to me is such a grey area. Personally, I think it's stupid to not support small local bee keepers, especially if you eat local produce, and especially if you're vegan. They're pollinators! But, more than that, I wanted to give honey as an offering to my gods and spirits. I wanted to be able to make mead, and offer that to Them. Burn beeswax candles for Them, because it's a special magical substance.

I became vegan for ethical reasons. And... I could probably write a huge ass essay on horridness of factory farming, etc. We all know it's bad, I'm not here to discuss that. I know there are ethical and humane ways to consume animal products. Buying local, free range, buying from farms with humane practices. I've done a lot of research into my local ethical farms, and I feel much more comfortable with my decision, knowing I am supporting people who give a shit.

Intense egg cravings hit me about five months ago, and more recently, salmon fat. Not just the flesh, but the fat. About the same time these cravings began to hit me, my nails have become brittle, they peel and generally look like shit. I've never had this issue until now, almost three years into veganism. Now, I don't have girly hands. I keep my nails short, it's practical for me. They actually became painful, because they bend back and the quick under my nail gets ripped and exposed. I've taken all manner of supplements, changed my eating (while remaining vegan) to combat the issue, nothing has improved.

Every meal the past few months, has become a painful pain in the ass. I don't eat wheat based proteins, because they sit like a brick in my stomach for a long time. I simply don't digest it well. Tofu and tempeh, aren't as bad, but again, the digestion just isn't always comfortable for me. Textured soy proteins... it just, it doesn't feel natural. I feel like my food has disconnected me. It's man made food, so processed, so refined. 

Sometimes, when you're deep in physical exercise you have a sort of mantra that will come to you. Salmon fat, salmon fat, salmon fat, salmon fat... All I could think of, was the small raw belly trimmings I used to get off the fresh salmon while working at a Japanese restaurant, back in the day. My chef would trim it off and place it in a bowl for whoever wanted a piece. I always got my piece.

That. That's all I've been thinking about on my rides these past few months. Fucking salmon fat. I am of the belief, that when your body craves something, it is lacking something it needs. My body has been screaming for it.

I finally got an appointment with a doctor and I heard it: "You should probably get some animal based protein." It made sense. Even though I had been playing around with the idea, it was a relief to have someone say that to me.

I write this as a vegan, now. Tomorrow, I break the long fast with local, free range eggs. I will first offer a whole egg to Hekate, gods, which I've been wanting to do for Her forever. And I will quietly eat them in front of Her altar, in thanks. And with the new perspective on the understanding that it does indeed, take life, to feed life.

Finally the day comes,

I am generally a very observant person. Somehow though, my husband tends to spot what I overlook. Like that Hekate plaque in a cluttered antique shop window.

Today after grocery shopping we walked down the side of a street we never usually walk down, he exclaimed, "MUSHROOMS!" ... and indeed there was mushrooms. A HUGE patch of fly agaric - beneath well manicured beech trees in an industrial warehouse area. Who would have thought? I keep a constant eye out for the buggers and have several trees I check on a regular basis around this time of year. I've had so many dreams of finding them (an old women usually being around, encouraging me to pick them) and they always felt just within my grasp but I've never found any, until now! It's also interesting, because that is the same area I've seen ravens most frequently.

I only plucked two. They're not even for me, they're for the spirits. I have a personal bag of nicely dried Washington caps that I got from BBB. These'll have to be well hidden from a certain cat who freaks the fuck out over fly agaric. I've known him get places no cat should, or COULD get to and bust into the bag to have a snack*. Then you wake up to find your crack head cat with dilated pupils pinging off the wall, your bag of mushrooms scattered all over the house and half chewed on. Other mushrooms? He doesn't care for them, it's just these! Right now he is mewing like mad, I think he can smell them.

I am very thankful that they crossed my path - and that my husband was there to spot them!


(*Note: I do not actively encourage my cat to eat fly agaric. It happened once. The bag was kept on TOP of a 7 foot shelf with no other way for him to get to the top. He literally climbed the shelving, opened a container and ran away with the bag! (Being a crafty bastard he did it while we were sleeping) There is no stopping a cat that determined. Lesson learned, they're now in a very sealed up and cat proof drawer.)

Wacky cake,

My mom used to make wacky cake all the time. She called me up a few days ago and was talking about how she had made it recently. I haven't made a cake, with frosting in AGES. It was oddly satisfying to make.

The ancestors have gotten their piece, along with copious amounts of coffee - their first offering request. I gave up coffee a while ago, so I purchased a small french press for offering purposes and to have an odd cup myself. I do miss the taste.

Quite pleased with how it turned out. I like the recipe, because it gets better a few days old and is pretty resilient. It was easy to ice and didn't crumb up too much after chilling it. I might add beets next time. A restaurant I used to work at made their devils food cake with beets, something I had never heard of before - makes it earthy and deepens the chocolate flavor. I sort of wish I had a torch on hand to gloss up the frosting for photos!

Stupid saffron,

I CAN'T make my saffron honey cake for Hekate's Deipnon, if I don't have any fucking saffron! My little case of the precious threads are missing. Gah. I could possibly use some saffron absolute that I have stashed away. Since this cake isn't for human consumption, that should be ok.


Watch, I'll find that damn saffron somewhere totally obvious when I'm done baking.